For Modesty's Sake

"No naked hugging!"

Sally to our 3-year-old (again) while he was running around before bath time trying to catch his brother to "hug" him.  His hugs look a lot like tackles.  He was also yelling, "I'm naked! I'm naked!" and giggling hysterically.  Afterwards he said, "Dat was hi-YA-wious (hilarious)!"  Definitely trouble.

Touch Gently

"We don't put our feet on our friends' noses."

My mother to my 3-year-old. Who was kicking his siblings in the face, but explained that he was simply "touching their noses." That kid is trouble.

Cleanliness is a Virtue

"Don't put your shoes in your mouth."

Jay to our son while at a Braves game.  Yes, that's right, while at a Major League Baseball stadium our child took his flip flop off and put it in his mouth. When do you think someone will invent mouth sanitizer?  Hand sanitizer just isn't enough for us.

Anatomy

"Feet are not for people."

Jay to our son attempting to explain why he could not kick his brothers.  Do not kick your brother, do not put your feet on your brother, do not shove your feet in your brother's face, and put your feet down were not successful.

Still More Table Manners

"Get your hands out of your meat."

Sally to our 4-year-old at lunch.  There are no euphemisms in that statement.  He actually had his fingers stabbed down into a pile of pulled pork at a BBQ restaurant.  I don't know why.  Maybe he was making fox holes for his fried okra army.

Sing Me a Song

"Mommy, will you sing me the song about Jesus loves me and a dinosaur and a volcano?"

Harry (3 years old) to Sally during bed time.  I started with "Jesus Loves Me" but he complained that there wasn't a dinosaur or a volcano. I did my best.  The first line, sung to the tune of "Jesus Loves Me," was "there used to be dinosaurs but they died, volcanoes erupted on their hides." It went downhill from there.

Social Awareness

"No, we shoot at Native Americans. "

Yeah, I said that. My sons were pretending they were Lone Ranger-inspired cowboys defending a fort along a popular trail near our house. They were "shooting" bad guys with their imaginary rifles and decided that cowboys fought against Indians. That's why they were yelling "shoot the Indians" just as a sweet family rode by on their bikes.  A family that was unfortunately from India. Which is why I told the boys that they meant Native Americans, not Indians.  And then I tried to explain that we really don't pretend to shoot Native Americans, either. In fact, let's just stick to "bad guys" and leave specific people groups out of it. And then I realized that the family was long gone (probably totally frightened by my white supremacist children) and that my kids were now looking for bugs and no one was listening anymore. So, parenting win right there.  I'm not even sure where they got their information about the Wild West, but I think it's mostly from displays at the Lego store.

Waste Not Want Not

"Eat the ones off your shirt before your get another handful."

Jay to our 3-year-old son about the dry cereal he was eating as a snack.  Because you need to eat as many handfuls of whatever off of your chest as possible.  It's really only polite to the rest of us.

It's Not That Funny

"Stop laughing! I've wiped all of your butts!"

Jay to our three older children while trying to change the baby's diaper.  I was out of town chaperoning a high school retreat and Jay had apparently just said, "can you guys just let me finish wiping Jack's butt?" They thought that was hilarious.  Probably because Mommy doesn't say butt and Daddy is really funny when he's annoyed.

Late Night

"Why do you hate me? *sob* We're in this together!"

Said by Sally to our then 4-week-old first born child while rocking, nursing, singing, and crying in Jay's unbuttoned flannel shirt at 4 am.  Did I mention the crying?  There was a lot of crying.  I'd moved past the standard changing, feeding, and soothing tactics and right on into guilt-tripping the baby.  It did not work.

Really Deep Thoughts

"What is the point of being Griffin?  What is the point of being God?  What do all people want? Why does God have all the powers and we don't?"

Asked by 4-year-old Griffin (same kid who just sits around and thinks about Buzz Guns) during bath time.  I guess he does his best thinking in there.  Here were our answers: 1-Your point is to be awesome. And to glorify God. And to love others and to make the world around you a better place. 2--God's point is to create the world and love us as part of His creation. 3--All people want to be loved and accepted and to feel like they have a purpose. 4--We would probably use our powers for selfish or mean reasons.  Now go to bed.

Just Answer the Question

"I don't know as much about big cat wrangling as you think I do."

Sally to our 4-year-old son after the 10th question about what would happen if a tiger escaped from the zoo.  Questions included "what would the police shoot the tiger with," "why can't they use a needle and give it medicine," and "why don't they use a rope to wrap around the tiger's neck." I suppose I could have kept making up answers, but really, I don't know what the zoo would do.  That's why I said shoot it-I was hoping that would end the conversation.

Treat Stains Before Washing

"Come here so I can hose down your feet."

Sally to the three older children after they ran barefoot through newly cut grass after a rainstorm.  I'd like to say that hosing down the kids is a fluke, but it's not.  Most days in the summer they have to be pre-cleaned before they're allowed back in the house for bath time.

Nutrition

"You may not have any more french fries until you eat more of your chicken fingers."

Said by either or both of us to any of the children any number of times while eating out.  Because, you know, you need more fried in your diet.  I'd like to say that we at least wanted them to get a little more protein, but honestly, we just don't like to share our french fries.

Spiritual Gifts

"Deah God, tank you fuh Mommy, Daddy, Cha-yie (Charlie), Bwiffin (Griffin)---not Jack. De End."

Then 2-year-old Harry during our evening prayer time.  Not only did he actively pray against his new brother, he ended the prayer with "the end" and an arm flourish that looked like he was preforming a magic trick.  Uncertian of the protocol for prayer discipline, we just stopped having him pray for while.