Sunday, December 22, 2013

Plumbing Tips

"Pee doesn't make the toilet overflow!""

Honestly, the details don't really matter here. The toilet overflowed. I don't think it was just pee that caused it. I asked Jay how many times he thought the toilet would overflow before our boys were all out of the house and he said, "50? No, wait, that's only once per boy per year. Not including me. So, 100+." Yuck.


Monday, December 9, 2013

Ground Rules

"No fists, just pillows!"

This was yelled by Jay at our older two sons who seem to have no idea what a pillow fight is. It started out innocently enough and ended when one of them bit the ear of the other. The upside was that I got to show them both a clip of "bite fight" and the new Foot Locker commercial. Also, one of Evander Holyfield's kids goes to my kids' school so we see him from time to time at school parties and events so now they are excited about looking for his missing ear.


Wednesday, November 20, 2013

From the Mouths of Babes

"Daddy says, 'I don't know why they pay him to direct traffic when all he does is watch traffic.'"

Our 5-year-old son said this to me one morning while we were stuck in the totally stationary school drop-off line, referring to the police officer who was leaning against his car. The officer did seem to be doing very little directing, but I found it hilarious that my kid remembers this sentence with such accuracy. Jay, by the way, swears he only said once, and that was several weeks ago.




Sunday, November 17, 2013

Homework Hotline

"You are going to fail Kindergarten math if you don't concentrate!!!"

Yes, I said that to our 5-year-old son. As the words were coming out of my mouth I recognized them as both poor parenting and poor teaching, two things I am supposedly relatively good at. I totally suck.



Friday, October 4, 2013

Personal Encouragement

"Did you win?"

My 3-year-old son after I told him why my bike was going in the car with us to preschool drop-off.  I explained that I was training for a race (my first sprint triathlon). I said, no, I didn't win, I am just practicing. He said, "oh, will you win the real race?" I said um, no, I'm not going to win and he again asked why not. I said it was just to challenge myself and I'm trying something new and this was to help keep Mommy healthy and he said, "so you will win?" Eventually I just told him that I did, in fact, win. He is very proud of me.


Thursday, October 3, 2013

Clothing Optional

"No naked wrestling! Dear God, I can't believe I have to say that!"

Sally, to our 5- and 3-year-old sons after bath time. Naked everything seems totally appropriate to them even when it is kind of dangerous. See wrestling reference above.


Wednesday, October 2, 2013

Financial Planning

"We should buy a Ferrari...or a McLaren.  After we pay off the house."

Jay to Sally after seeing the new Formula 1 racing movie, Rush. Yes, Ferrari is definitely our first post-mortgage purchase.


Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Poll Taking

"Raise your hand if you like licking bugs!"

Our 5-year-old son, with his hand raised. Boys are so gross.


Monday, September 30, 2013

Table Manners Yet Again

"Get your hands out of your meat."

Sally to our sons during dinner. Really, why would you bury your hands in your food?


Friday, September 27, 2013

Ropes Course

"Don't wrap ropes around yourself. Or your brother."

Sally to our 5-year-old who creates inventions that require great lengths of ropes (usually in the form of his sister's jump ropes). He continues to try to harness himself and/or his brothers to machinery.



Friday, July 19, 2013

For Modesty's Sake

"No naked hugging!"

Sally to our 3-year-old (again) while he was running around before bath time trying to catch his brother to "hug" him.  His hugs look a lot like tackles.  He was also yelling, "I'm naked! I'm naked!" and giggling hysterically.  Afterwards he said, "Dat was hi-YA-wious (hilarious)!"  Definitely trouble.


Thursday, July 18, 2013

Touch Gently

"We don't put our feet on our friends' noses."

My mother to my 3-year-old. Who was kicking his siblings in the face, but explained that he was simply "touching their noses." That kid is trouble.


Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Cleanliness is a Virtue

"Don't put your shoes in your mouth."

Jay to our son while at a Braves game.  Yes, that's right, while at a Major League Baseball stadium our child took his flip flop off and put it in his mouth. When do you think someone will invent mouth sanitizer?  Hand sanitizer just isn't enough for us.


Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Anatomy

"Feet are not for people."

Jay to our son attempting to explain why he could not kick his brothers.  Do not kick your brother, do not put your feet on your brother, do not shove your feet in your brother's face, and put your feet down were not successful.


Monday, July 15, 2013

Still More Table Manners

"Get your hands out of your meat."

Sally to our 4-year-old at lunch.  There are no euphemisms in that statement.  He actually had his fingers stabbed down into a pile of pulled pork at a BBQ restaurant.  I don't know why.  Maybe he was making fox holes for his fried okra army.




Friday, July 12, 2013

Sing Me a Song

"Mommy, will you sing me the song about Jesus loves me and a dinosaur and a volcano?"

Harry (3 years old) to Sally during bed time.  I started with "Jesus Loves Me" but he complained that there wasn't a dinosaur or a volcano. I did my best.  The first line, sung to the tune of "Jesus Loves Me," was "there used to be dinosaurs but they died, volcanoes erupted on their hides." It went downhill from there.


Thursday, July 11, 2013

Social Awareness

"No, we shoot at Native Americans. "

Yeah, I said that. My sons were pretending they were Lone Ranger-inspired cowboys defending a fort along a popular trail near our house. They were "shooting" bad guys with their imaginary rifles and decided that cowboys fought against Indians. That's why they were yelling "shoot the Indians" just as a sweet family rode by on their bikes.  A family that was unfortunately from India. Which is why I told the boys that they meant Native Americans, not Indians.  And then I tried to explain that we really don't pretend to shoot Native Americans, either. In fact, let's just stick to "bad guys" and leave specific people groups out of it. And then I realized that the family was long gone (probably totally frightened by my white supremacist children) and that my kids were now looking for bugs and no one was listening anymore. So, parenting win right there.  I'm not even sure where they got their information about the Wild West, but I think it's mostly from displays at the Lego store.


Wednesday, July 10, 2013

Waste Not Want Not

"Eat the ones off your shirt before your get another handful."

Jay to our 3-year-old son about the dry cereal he was eating as a snack.  Because you need to eat as many handfuls of whatever off of your chest as possible.  It's really only polite to the rest of us.


Tuesday, July 9, 2013

It's Not That Funny

"Stop laughing! I've wiped all of your butts!"

Jay to our three older children while trying to change the baby's diaper.  I was out of town chaperoning a high school retreat and Jay had apparently just said, "can you guys just let me finish wiping Jack's butt?" They thought that was hilarious.  Probably because Mommy doesn't say butt and Daddy is really funny when he's annoyed.




Monday, July 8, 2013

Late Night

"Why do you hate me? *sob* We're in this together!"

Said by Sally to our then 4-week-old first born child while rocking, nursing, singing, and crying in Jay's unbuttoned flannel shirt at 4 am.  Did I mention the crying?  There was a lot of crying.  I'd moved past the standard changing, feeding, and soothing tactics and right on into guilt-tripping the baby.  It did not work.



Friday, July 5, 2013

Really Deep Thoughts

"What is the point of being Griffin?  What is the point of being God?  What do all people want? Why does God have all the powers and we don't?"

Asked by 4-year-old Griffin (same kid who just sits around and thinks about Buzz Guns) during bath time.  I guess he does his best thinking in there.  Here were our answers: 1-Your point is to be awesome. And to glorify God. And to love others and to make the world around you a better place. 2--God's point is to create the world and love us as part of His creation. 3--All people want to be loved and accepted and to feel like they have a purpose. 4--We would probably use our powers for selfish or mean reasons.  Now go to bed.


Thursday, July 4, 2013

Just Answer the Question

"I don't know as much about big cat wrangling as you think I do."

Sally to our 4-year-old son after the 10th question about what would happen if a tiger escaped from the zoo.  Questions included "what would the police shoot the tiger with," "why can't they use a needle and give it medicine," and "why don't they use a rope to wrap around the tiger's neck." I suppose I could have kept making up answers, but really, I don't know what the zoo would do.  That's why I said shoot it-I was hoping that would end the conversation.


Wednesday, July 3, 2013

Treat Stains Before Washing

"Come here so I can hose down your feet."

Sally to the three older children after they ran barefoot through newly cut grass after a rainstorm.  I'd like to say that hosing down the kids is a fluke, but it's not.  Most days in the summer they have to be pre-cleaned before they're allowed back in the house for bath time.


Tuesday, July 2, 2013

Nutrition

"You may not have any more french fries until you eat more of your chicken fingers."

Said by either or both of us to any of the children any number of times while eating out.  Because, you know, you need more fried in your diet.  I'd like to say that we at least wanted them to get a little more protein, but honestly, we just don't like to share our french fries.


Monday, July 1, 2013

Spiritual Gifts

"Deah God, tank you fuh Mommy, Daddy, Cha-yie (Charlie), Bwiffin (Griffin)---not Jack. De End."

Then 2-year-old Harry during our evening prayer time.  Not only did he actively pray against his new brother, he ended the prayer with "the end" and an arm flourish that looked like he was preforming a magic trick.  Uncertian of the protocol for prayer discipline, we just stopped having him pray for while.



Friday, June 28, 2013

Inflection Matters

"Bennick."

The all purpose curse word Harry made up and uses frequently.  Surprised in the hallway? "Gasp! Bennick!"
Sent to timeout?  Said muttered under his breath as he trudges off.  Forced to pick up his toys? "Ben-nick" said very precisely while looking me in the eye with a mutinous expression.  I have never seen such a small person put so much attitude into a made up word. He has actually been sent to timeout for saying it to me.


B@#n*k!

Thursday, June 27, 2013

Sportsmanship

"Sooooo, they lost?"

Our daughter after hearing a news story in which a sailboat was run over by a freighter during a race, killing the crew of the sailboat. Although I like her focus on winning, a little compassion may not be a bad thing to work on for the future.


Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Rules of the Game

"The soccer goal is not a toy!"

Jay to Griffin who was running around the yard dragging said goal by the net. No wonder they get confused about what can and cannot be thrown, jumped on, or beaten with a stick.


Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Lessons in Potable Substances

"Don't drink your bath water."

Jay to our 2-year-old who continued to try to sneak sips of his own bath water until we finally just deemed him "clean enough." He really needs to pick his disobedient moments better-you get less cholera that way.



Side note: I couldn't decide if bathwater was one word or two and the internet offered both options.  Jay picked two, so that's what I said, but I kind of like one.  Opinions?


Monday, June 24, 2013

More Table Manners

"We put our shirt on for dinner."

Jay attempting to counteract the redneck genes my children inherited from me.  Although, really, eating watermelon is best for everyone without a shirt.


Friday, June 21, 2013

Deep Thoughts

Jay: What are you thinking about?
Griffin: Buzz guns.

Apparently he was contemplating a really awesome ride we went on at Disney World.  I wish my random thoughts were about Disney World and not laundry.  I hate laundry.




Thursday, June 20, 2013

Personal Hygiene

"Please don't get your blood on anyone else."

Sally to Griffin after he fell down and then tried to hug his brother.  Why you would want to snuggle while bleeding, I do not know.


Wednesday, June 19, 2013

Baby Cursing

"You know, this would be easier if you'd keep your sh*t in your crib."

Jay to our 11-month-old after the baby threw his blanky and pacifier out at bedtime. Because, clearly, the baby is old enough to reason with.  Especially with curse words.


Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Table Manners

"Don't put your feet on your waffles!"

Said by my sister-in-law, Nessa, to my niece while at breakfast. If I could contort myself the way that children do while at the dinner table I would run away and join the circus as one of those ladies in a box.


Monday, June 17, 2013

The Inspiration

"Don't lick your alligator!"

Said by Sally to 2-year-old Harry while he attempted to clean his lovey with his tongue. Also this inspiration for beginning this blog.